I have a post it note in my bathroom that has three things written on it to remind me of how I need to feel every day. It helps to have that positive reinforcement where I can read it every morning. That is part of my self-help plan that I have for myself. The next part is essentially the hardest. I have three men that broke me. I mean, they completely ruined my heart for future use. I have SO many things that I need to say to them, but seeing as I don’t talk to any of them anymore, I have decided to write them a little passage designated just for them. (complete with nicknames, for anonymity of course) I have to warn you, this is definitely going to get ugly. I have a feeling that I’m going to feel MUCH better after getting all of this out. We’re going to start at the beginning. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths, because I may be on the verge of a panic attack right now.
Assface,
This nickname is the most fitting for you. You were my first EVERYTHING. Given that fact, you set the bar for all of my future relationships. They say hindsight is 20/20, and in this case, it truly is. You broke my spirit in every sense of the phrase. Usually in the case of past relationships, you’re inclined to remember the good times, but with you I only remember the bad. Maybe that’s because bad was all we had. I remember being so desperate to please you that I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was before we started dating (if that’s what you could call it) and after you, I was even more lost in myself. You took advantage of my complete devotion to you by constantly reminding me that you could do better. Every day was a new day to tear me down. You were my prom date one year, and never ONCE did you tell me how pretty I looked, or how happy you were to be with me, but you DID remind me that my dress made me look fat and my makeup made me look like an idiot. That was typical of you, so just imagine something like that EVERY day, and you can see how broken I was by the time 2 years went by. I can’t believe how much I let you do to me, and now, I would probably have beaten the shit out of you if you tried ANY of it. I’m a stronger person because of you, so I guess I can thank you for that.
ChurchBoy,
I “loved” you for 9 years. Yes, I said NINE years. I spent most of my adolescence loving you. When I tried to distance myself from you, you would pull me right back. Always keeping me at arms length - a backup plan of sorts. Do you have ANY idea what that did to me? I settle for being second best now. I shouldn’t DO that shit. I went to college, and that must have been your fucking wakeup call, because you came around. You would spend weekends with me, and it was great. What I didn’t know is that you had a fucking girlfriend back home. Yeah, you were honest with me AFTER we got physical and I admitted I loved you. Typical, eh? I always wondered why you wouldn’t kiss me. Ha, I was SO naïve. THEN I got pregnant. THEN I had a miscarriage. Where were you? OH, with your girlfriend. I lost our CHILD and you didn’t even have the fucking decency to care. So, with that experience under my belt, I learned that I was strong enough to go through the toughest event of my life ALONE, so I could do anything alone. Hell, that’s what I’ve been doing my entire life, right? I can thank you for that, at least. Even though you definitely don’t deserve that.
Mr. Perfection,
Yeah, you heard me. You’re fucking perfect. Everything about you is perfect. Your smile, your personality, your goals, your laugh, your voice, EVERYTHING. You treated me like I DESERVE to be treated when I was with you. I can thank you for showing me what it should be like when it does happen. What I can be pissed off about is you making me fall with your perfection. Ha. I should have known better. You were definitely one of those “too good to be true” things in life. A fling. That’s all I was to you. You went into it knowing damn well you didn’t want a relationship, but you NEVER made that clear to me. After you got what you wanted, THAT was when you decided to let me in on your true intentions. Well, FUCK YOU. Yeah, I said it. I’ve never felt so used in my life. That is definitely saying something about you, because I’ve been used and abused my entire life.
Wow. I completely separated myself from reality just to write those. That was one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done, but I feel better. A lot better, actually. I know that chances are they will NOT be reading this, but that’s not the point. I’ve been needing to say these final things to them for years now. I need to move on with my life.
I wanted to tell anyone who’s reading this, thank you. Thank you for being there for me and seeing me through this self-help kick I have going on right now. To all of my friends (whether I have met you in person or not) You all are incredible. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you guys talking me off of the ledge on a daily basis. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. Your inspiration, encouragement, and even the mindless chatter you give me every day helps me in ways that you won’t ever understand. Just know that I appreciate everything, even if I fail to tell you as much as you deserve to be told.
Letting Go
Posted in life, love (or lack thereof), self therapy is incredible on 7:46 AM by MovingForwardLove and Infatuation
Posted in I'm an idiot, life, love (or lack thereof), Psychiatrist anyone? on 12:07 AM by MovingForward
How many men are in the world? Millions. This thought both scares and amazes me. I’m a 24 year old female with a lot to offer. Yes, I have some baggage (they’re the cutest baggage I’ve ever seen…) but why is it so hard to find a man who’s willing to accept that? Do I set the bar too high? Maybe. Am I looking too hard? Maybe. Am I living in the wrong place? That’s a definite possibility. What if the person that I’m “destined” to be with is miles away from here? How will I possibly meet him in this crappy town? Yes, these thought’s cross my mind every day.
I need to insert something that my Aunt Cindy sent me. Then I’m going to attempt to break it down through writing, rather than trying to decipher what it really means in my head. Writing about everything makes it more transparent for me.
LOVE OR INFATUATION
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and places about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is elevating. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It lifts you up. It makes you a better person
--Ann Landers
Looking at this definition of love makes me realize that I have NEVER had this. I may have assumed that I was “in love”, but honestly - never happened. Looking back, every single relationship (and there really haven’t been that many) was infatuation. Pure, honest infatuation. I’m not ashamed, nor do I regret these said relationships. I can just say that I can’t WAIT to find love. (That sounds INCREDIBLY childish, but I mean it in the most grown up way possible).
Now, my question is this. Is it possible to have messed up any chance of love by making so many mistakes in life? Mistakes meaning bad choices, uninformed and uneducated decisions, spur of the moment and life altering changes. Everyone says “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”, and I’m guilty of using that saying as well, I’m just not entirely convinced that it’s possible that way. What if somehow there was a way to sabotage your “one chance”. Or better yet, what if you kept your feelings for people inside, never revealing them? I’m guilty of that as well. I have been hurt too many times to count by admitting my feelings to even consider doing it again unless there was SOLID proof that I wouldn’t get hurt.
Some say that’s no way to live my life. But I feel rejection with my entire body. I go through the normal emotional phase, then I get to the mental aspect of it. Years of insecurities come barreling back into my mind, and it’s even harder to get rid of them. I’m working on loving ME, and for the most part it’s working, but every time I come across rejection, that bitch likes to bring me down to my darkest place. And after the emotional, comes the physical. I physically hurt when I have to deal with emotional pain. Maybe that’s my years worth of depression I’ve been battling, but it’s just how it is. I can’t bear to willingly put myself out there like that anymore.
I also realize that I can’t keep reading into things. I do that. A lot. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. From the way people talk to the way they look at me. It’s what I do. Unfortunately, this means I see things that aren’t necessarily there. Meaning I’ll take a simple conversation - better yet, a simple statement - and turn it into something that it wasn’t meant to be. I can do that with body language, facial expressions, and even hand gestures. This is a VERY bad thing when it comes to deciphering what men really mean. Someone can talk to me for 10 minutes, smile a little, and say some nice things, and I automatically jump to conclusions. Then my mind wanders into the forbidden territory of “What if he’s the one?” And at that EXACT moment, I lose myself in infatuation. Seriously, do they have shrinks for this kind of disorder? If so can someone please point me to one? ;)
I need to insert something that my Aunt Cindy sent me. Then I’m going to attempt to break it down through writing, rather than trying to decipher what it really means in my head. Writing about everything makes it more transparent for me.
LOVE OR INFATUATION
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and places about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is elevating. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It lifts you up. It makes you a better person
--Ann Landers
Looking at this definition of love makes me realize that I have NEVER had this. I may have assumed that I was “in love”, but honestly - never happened. Looking back, every single relationship (and there really haven’t been that many) was infatuation. Pure, honest infatuation. I’m not ashamed, nor do I regret these said relationships. I can just say that I can’t WAIT to find love. (That sounds INCREDIBLY childish, but I mean it in the most grown up way possible).
Now, my question is this. Is it possible to have messed up any chance of love by making so many mistakes in life? Mistakes meaning bad choices, uninformed and uneducated decisions, spur of the moment and life altering changes. Everyone says “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”, and I’m guilty of using that saying as well, I’m just not entirely convinced that it’s possible that way. What if somehow there was a way to sabotage your “one chance”. Or better yet, what if you kept your feelings for people inside, never revealing them? I’m guilty of that as well. I have been hurt too many times to count by admitting my feelings to even consider doing it again unless there was SOLID proof that I wouldn’t get hurt.
Some say that’s no way to live my life. But I feel rejection with my entire body. I go through the normal emotional phase, then I get to the mental aspect of it. Years of insecurities come barreling back into my mind, and it’s even harder to get rid of them. I’m working on loving ME, and for the most part it’s working, but every time I come across rejection, that bitch likes to bring me down to my darkest place. And after the emotional, comes the physical. I physically hurt when I have to deal with emotional pain. Maybe that’s my years worth of depression I’ve been battling, but it’s just how it is. I can’t bear to willingly put myself out there like that anymore.
I also realize that I can’t keep reading into things. I do that. A lot. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. From the way people talk to the way they look at me. It’s what I do. Unfortunately, this means I see things that aren’t necessarily there. Meaning I’ll take a simple conversation - better yet, a simple statement - and turn it into something that it wasn’t meant to be. I can do that with body language, facial expressions, and even hand gestures. This is a VERY bad thing when it comes to deciphering what men really mean. Someone can talk to me for 10 minutes, smile a little, and say some nice things, and I automatically jump to conclusions. Then my mind wanders into the forbidden territory of “What if he’s the one?” And at that EXACT moment, I lose myself in infatuation. Seriously, do they have shrinks for this kind of disorder? If so can someone please point me to one? ;)
Morals, Values, and Life Lessons
Posted in It makes me smile that the example labels they show me are scooters/vacation/fall, life on 8:36 PM by MovingForward
I was laying in bed trying to sleep (thanks a lot, insomnia) and started thinking about my children, and what I’m teaching them with my words versus what I’m teaching them with my actions. There are certain morals, values, and life lessons that I am striving to teach my kids, and will continue to teach them until the day I take my last breath. If I’m lucky, my reach will go far beyond the time that I’m blessed to be on this earth. Hey, I can hope, right? Anyways, back to the point. I have a few things that I would like to THINK that I live by, however, lately especially, it’s definitely not the case.
-With my daughter, who is only 3 right now, (it’s never to early for her to learn this lesson) I want her to KNOW without a doubt that she does NOT need a man to complete her. She doesn’t have to have someone take care of her. She is beautiful, smart, and SO intelligent. She’s got more common sense than a three year old should have. Not to mention her book sense. This is of the UTMOST importance to teach her.
This being said, I am a hypocrite. I don’t think highly enough of myself to be OKAY being alone. Yes, I’m doing it, as I’ve done it for almost 5 years now, but that doesn’t make me happy with it. I’ve never had the chance to fully appreciate being alone, and all the amazing things that I can learn from this time before I actually find the one that I’m supposed to be with. I haven’t had the chance to enjoy my kids to myself before I have to share them with the amazing man that I’m going to be with forever (hypothetically). I won’t GIVE myself the chance to enjoy this, because I’m so damn focused on finding someone. It makes no sense.
-With my son, (who is 18 months) I want him to realize that women are to be TREASURED. And never, under any circumstances, are they to be torn down physically, mentally, or sexually. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it if he grew up to be one of those men who belittled women for the hell of it.
That being said, I’m a hypocrite. Every single relationship I have been in has been abusive in one way or another. I tolerated it. Without question, and without fighting back for my dignity. It started with my VERY FIRST boyfriend. I was 16, and he abused me in every way possible. I can’t bring myself to regret it. Any of it, actually. It made me who I am, but who KNOWS what could have become of me if that never would have happened. I may have finished college without falling into the wrong crowd. I may have graduated and gotten a degree and have a secure job. I know damn well that I wouldn’t have fallen into the pattern of abusive relationships that have plagued me for years. I wouldn’t have my kids, if this wouldn’t have happened either. That is the ONE and only reason that I can’t regret it.
-With both of my kids, I want them to know that life is WAY to short to not say what you mean, do what you feel, and love with all of your heart. I want them to grasp EVERY opportunity that they have thrown at them. Not be afraid to speak what they feel, no matter what the outcome may be. I want them to be ANYTHING that they want to be. I don’t want them to cower away from love in fear of being hurt.
That being said, I’m a hypocrite. I never say what I mean. I edit everything that comes out of my mouth in fear of hurting someone’s feelings or stepping on toes. I bite my tongue, and I’m stuck with the accompanying regret. I despise regretting not saying things when I had the opportunity to, but I never speak up. All of my dreams are officially squashed, right now. Everything that I have ever wanted to be in life has gone out the window, and they have been replaced with one excuse or another. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever follow my dreams. I hate feeling helpless, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. As for loving with all of my heart - that doesn’t fly with me. I’ve been so scarred by everything else, that now, I NEVER admit my true feelings. For anyone. I can honestly state that I have had a “crush” (God, that sounds so juvenile, but that’s exactly what it is…) for over 5 years now. He has no clue. My best friend has been trying to get me to tell him for a few days, and I’ve considered the pros and cons, and decided against it. I can’t put myself out there again. Putting myself out there means I’ll end up getting hurt. Or ruining a (really, really amazing) friendship.
I need to figure out how to make my actions match my words when it comes to doing the things that I’m teaching my children.
-With my daughter, who is only 3 right now, (it’s never to early for her to learn this lesson) I want her to KNOW without a doubt that she does NOT need a man to complete her. She doesn’t have to have someone take care of her. She is beautiful, smart, and SO intelligent. She’s got more common sense than a three year old should have. Not to mention her book sense. This is of the UTMOST importance to teach her.
This being said, I am a hypocrite. I don’t think highly enough of myself to be OKAY being alone. Yes, I’m doing it, as I’ve done it for almost 5 years now, but that doesn’t make me happy with it. I’ve never had the chance to fully appreciate being alone, and all the amazing things that I can learn from this time before I actually find the one that I’m supposed to be with. I haven’t had the chance to enjoy my kids to myself before I have to share them with the amazing man that I’m going to be with forever (hypothetically). I won’t GIVE myself the chance to enjoy this, because I’m so damn focused on finding someone. It makes no sense.
-With my son, (who is 18 months) I want him to realize that women are to be TREASURED. And never, under any circumstances, are they to be torn down physically, mentally, or sexually. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it if he grew up to be one of those men who belittled women for the hell of it.
That being said, I’m a hypocrite. Every single relationship I have been in has been abusive in one way or another. I tolerated it. Without question, and without fighting back for my dignity. It started with my VERY FIRST boyfriend. I was 16, and he abused me in every way possible. I can’t bring myself to regret it. Any of it, actually. It made me who I am, but who KNOWS what could have become of me if that never would have happened. I may have finished college without falling into the wrong crowd. I may have graduated and gotten a degree and have a secure job. I know damn well that I wouldn’t have fallen into the pattern of abusive relationships that have plagued me for years. I wouldn’t have my kids, if this wouldn’t have happened either. That is the ONE and only reason that I can’t regret it.
-With both of my kids, I want them to know that life is WAY to short to not say what you mean, do what you feel, and love with all of your heart. I want them to grasp EVERY opportunity that they have thrown at them. Not be afraid to speak what they feel, no matter what the outcome may be. I want them to be ANYTHING that they want to be. I don’t want them to cower away from love in fear of being hurt.
That being said, I’m a hypocrite. I never say what I mean. I edit everything that comes out of my mouth in fear of hurting someone’s feelings or stepping on toes. I bite my tongue, and I’m stuck with the accompanying regret. I despise regretting not saying things when I had the opportunity to, but I never speak up. All of my dreams are officially squashed, right now. Everything that I have ever wanted to be in life has gone out the window, and they have been replaced with one excuse or another. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever follow my dreams. I hate feeling helpless, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. As for loving with all of my heart - that doesn’t fly with me. I’ve been so scarred by everything else, that now, I NEVER admit my true feelings. For anyone. I can honestly state that I have had a “crush” (God, that sounds so juvenile, but that’s exactly what it is…) for over 5 years now. He has no clue. My best friend has been trying to get me to tell him for a few days, and I’ve considered the pros and cons, and decided against it. I can’t put myself out there again. Putting myself out there means I’ll end up getting hurt. Or ruining a (really, really amazing) friendship.
I need to figure out how to make my actions match my words when it comes to doing the things that I’m teaching my children.
Ass Backwards
Posted in I'm an idiot, It makes me smile that the example labels they show me are scooters/vacation/fall, life, love (or lack thereof) on 11:33 PM by MovingForward
Another deep day for me. So, in return, I will write more and tell you about me. The inner workings, and this could get ugly. You have been forewarned.
Wanting something you can’t have is a given thing in life. It’s probably along the lines of Murphy’s Law. I happen to experience this very thing pretty much every day of my life. I have almost come to grips with the fact that this will happen. Almost. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, but it does dull the pain.
Now, what I mean by wanting something I can’t have can mean several things. We could hit on the unrequited love thing again, because that‘s a given in my life, but I’d rather not. I mean money, a stable job, freedom. I have a very blessed life. An amazing family (that I might bitch and complain about, but I promise, I love them with every fiber of my being), a good group of friends surrounding me that would do anything for myself or my children. And then there are my kids. I love them with all of my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I realize that some people say that love is all you need in life. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t buy food to feed your children. A job does. Money does. I’ve been unemployed for a little over 3 weeks now. It’s definitely NOT been easy. The economy sucks, and there is very little promise of it getting back to normal. Therefore, I’m stuck unemployed until I hit the fucking lottery or I find a job. Both are equally as likely in my eyes.
This is where it could get ugly. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why I do what I do to push people away from me. Case in point:
I was talking to someone a while back, and things started to go towards the serious route. Like actually fucking committing to a relationship. It was at THAT exact moment that I began to pick him apart. Everything that I “didn’t like” about him started to be revealed to me. Not necessarily important stuff either. It was anything from the way he ate dinner, to the way he talked and the way he laughed. Stupid fucking nit-picking that I did until I was so repulsed by this amazing man that I couldn’t stand to talk to him anymore. And I left it at that, and moved on. To a fucking jackass that couldn’t care less about me. I didn‘t pick him apart. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Seriously, I get an amazing guy interested in me, and treats me like gold, and I run. I get a complete fucking dickhead interested in having sex with me, and fall head over heels. I am seriously ass-backwards.
I manage to push every guy that’s interested in me away, while holding on to the ones that aren’t interested. I could go all psychologist on myself and say it’s because I’m afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I know I’m not. I’m MORE than ready for a relationship. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t look nearly as hard as I used to. Trust me when I say that. I just let things happen, but when they do start going in a good direction, I bolt. I know when a guy isn’t interested in me when I actually start to develop feelings. If that’s not ass-backwards, I don’t know what is.
I know I’m probably not the only one that does this, but I feel like I’m going to alienate myself from every good thing that comes into my life because of this. I know I’m capable of SO much more than I’m letting myself experience. I will make a damn good wife to some lucky man, but I’m afraid that I’m going to miss out on that chance because of what I’ve been inclined to do. Is this something that I would need to see a therapist for? I’ve tried that route. It didn’t work. I know this is all about my insecurities, and I’ve been working on that as well. I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think about dragging someone else into the mess that I’ve created for my life.
I’m ending this shit before I cry even harder.
I do, however need to thank @tx_lili for EVERYTHING she’s been doing for me. You have NO clue how much I love you for working so hard on my blog design. <3
Wanting something you can’t have is a given thing in life. It’s probably along the lines of Murphy’s Law. I happen to experience this very thing pretty much every day of my life. I have almost come to grips with the fact that this will happen. Almost. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, but it does dull the pain.
Now, what I mean by wanting something I can’t have can mean several things. We could hit on the unrequited love thing again, because that‘s a given in my life, but I’d rather not. I mean money, a stable job, freedom. I have a very blessed life. An amazing family (that I might bitch and complain about, but I promise, I love them with every fiber of my being), a good group of friends surrounding me that would do anything for myself or my children. And then there are my kids. I love them with all of my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I realize that some people say that love is all you need in life. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t buy food to feed your children. A job does. Money does. I’ve been unemployed for a little over 3 weeks now. It’s definitely NOT been easy. The economy sucks, and there is very little promise of it getting back to normal. Therefore, I’m stuck unemployed until I hit the fucking lottery or I find a job. Both are equally as likely in my eyes.
This is where it could get ugly. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why I do what I do to push people away from me. Case in point:
I was talking to someone a while back, and things started to go towards the serious route. Like actually fucking committing to a relationship. It was at THAT exact moment that I began to pick him apart. Everything that I “didn’t like” about him started to be revealed to me. Not necessarily important stuff either. It was anything from the way he ate dinner, to the way he talked and the way he laughed. Stupid fucking nit-picking that I did until I was so repulsed by this amazing man that I couldn’t stand to talk to him anymore. And I left it at that, and moved on. To a fucking jackass that couldn’t care less about me. I didn‘t pick him apart. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Seriously, I get an amazing guy interested in me, and treats me like gold, and I run. I get a complete fucking dickhead interested in having sex with me, and fall head over heels. I am seriously ass-backwards.
I manage to push every guy that’s interested in me away, while holding on to the ones that aren’t interested. I could go all psychologist on myself and say it’s because I’m afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I know I’m not. I’m MORE than ready for a relationship. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t look nearly as hard as I used to. Trust me when I say that. I just let things happen, but when they do start going in a good direction, I bolt. I know when a guy isn’t interested in me when I actually start to develop feelings. If that’s not ass-backwards, I don’t know what is.
I know I’m probably not the only one that does this, but I feel like I’m going to alienate myself from every good thing that comes into my life because of this. I know I’m capable of SO much more than I’m letting myself experience. I will make a damn good wife to some lucky man, but I’m afraid that I’m going to miss out on that chance because of what I’ve been inclined to do. Is this something that I would need to see a therapist for? I’ve tried that route. It didn’t work. I know this is all about my insecurities, and I’ve been working on that as well. I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think about dragging someone else into the mess that I’ve created for my life.
I’m ending this shit before I cry even harder.
I do, however need to thank @tx_lili for EVERYTHING she’s been doing for me. You have NO clue how much I love you for working so hard on my blog design. <3
The Single Life
Posted in babies, life, love (or lack thereof) on 7:19 PM by MovingForward
So, I did something the other night that got me thinking. Something that I don’t think any couple (married or not) would ever think about doing. I found myself laying on an uneven mattress, so I decided to physically turn it around so it wouldn’t wear unevenly. I, being a creature of habit, didn’t want to actually switch sides just to fix the problem. Doing that led me to think about everything else that a couple might take advantage of.
One thing would be sitting in the passenger seat of your own car. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the last time I did that. There may be a stray time here or there when I got myself so drunk that I couldn’t drive, and one of my lovely friends had to drive me home, but of course, I wouldn’t remember that, would I? My poor passenger seat doesn’t ever get any action. Something else that goes along with that would be driving. I do it ALL the time. My darling babies are WAY to young to start teaching those kinds of things to. (Of course the thought (has)would NEVER cross my mind)
Okay, so with that out of the way, we get to the heart of the matter. WHY am I single? In my eyes, there is a simple answer. My children. Don’t get all bent out of shape when I say that, because my children are literally the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, so allow me to explain…
Before my children’s (sperm donor) father came along, I honestly only had a handful of relationships. All of which ended badly. Badly meaning abusive in every way possible. I was everything from a play toy to someone’s punching bag. I’m not going to get into the details, so you guys can breathe. And after him, other than my most recent summer tryst (who I now lovingly refer to the Marine Asstard), I have tried dating a whopping total of 2 guys. One left me because of my past. The other got what he wanted after 3 months and left because he decided THEN would be a good time to tell me he hated the fact that I had kids. There have been a handful that I have developed feelings for, but it’s always unrequited. I’m now the master of unrequited feelings. I dare anyone to challenge that fact. Ha. Point is, every SINGLE one of them had issues with me having kids. I can distinctly remember conversations with each of them stating something along those lines.
Now, I may be completely delusional with this statement, but do my kids not deserve that male figure in their life? I don’t want someone to be their “father”. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’ve done a pretty damn good job raising them by myself so far. The males in their lives are amazing role models for them, but somehow I think that’s not going to be enough later in life. I have heard MANY horror stories about single mothers raising their kids and every story turns out badly. I would be lying if I wasn’t scared shitless about that. I’m not quick to take in the first guy who gives their attention to me, either. Every guy that I’ve tried to date since their father hasn’t even met my children. I can’t do that to them. The inconsistency, the attachment, and then when it ends, the hurt. I refuse to do that. When I was pregnant with my daughter I made a promise to protect her as much as I could from as much as I could until she could protect herself. This same promise applies to my son. I only hope I’m doing the right thing, and I pray that they will realize all of the sacrifices I’ve made for them.
As far as I’m concerned, my life is hectic. Every day it’s something different, and I would LOVE to say that it was all rainbows and sunshine. It’s not. I have a LOT of self-esteem issues that I’m working to get over. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. With everything I’ve been through I’m surprised I’m still standing. The will to survive is definitely in my blood. I pull my strength from every single person in my life, and I put everyone else’s needs before my own. I have to, or else I would go insane.
At the end of the day, after all of the craziness that is my household dies down, and my babies are tucked safe in their beds, I’m alone. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY night. I’ve tried different things to fill the void, but honestly, nothing can replace being loved. I mean loved by someone who isn’t obligated to. My children, my family, and my friends (in a sense) are obligated to love me, or they love me by default. I want someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there no matter what, and actually WANTS to take care of me. I haven’t been taken care of like that. Ever. Yes, I may be “young” but I’m actually preparing myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I have an aunt who is 80+ (I can’t remember her exact age. So sue me) who has lived her ENTIRE life alone. I’m sure she has had her down times, but she’s happy now. I don’t think she ever even thinks about it anymore. She’s made her life her own, and doesn’t think twice about it. It makes me wonder if I’ll be that strong.
One thing would be sitting in the passenger seat of your own car. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the last time I did that. There may be a stray time here or there when I got myself so drunk that I couldn’t drive, and one of my lovely friends had to drive me home, but of course, I wouldn’t remember that, would I? My poor passenger seat doesn’t ever get any action. Something else that goes along with that would be driving. I do it ALL the time. My darling babies are WAY to young to start teaching those kinds of things to. (Of course the thought (has)would NEVER cross my mind)
Okay, so with that out of the way, we get to the heart of the matter. WHY am I single? In my eyes, there is a simple answer. My children. Don’t get all bent out of shape when I say that, because my children are literally the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, so allow me to explain…
Before my children’s (sperm donor) father came along, I honestly only had a handful of relationships. All of which ended badly. Badly meaning abusive in every way possible. I was everything from a play toy to someone’s punching bag. I’m not going to get into the details, so you guys can breathe. And after him, other than my most recent summer tryst (who I now lovingly refer to the Marine Asstard), I have tried dating a whopping total of 2 guys. One left me because of my past. The other got what he wanted after 3 months and left because he decided THEN would be a good time to tell me he hated the fact that I had kids. There have been a handful that I have developed feelings for, but it’s always unrequited. I’m now the master of unrequited feelings. I dare anyone to challenge that fact. Ha. Point is, every SINGLE one of them had issues with me having kids. I can distinctly remember conversations with each of them stating something along those lines.
Now, I may be completely delusional with this statement, but do my kids not deserve that male figure in their life? I don’t want someone to be their “father”. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’ve done a pretty damn good job raising them by myself so far. The males in their lives are amazing role models for them, but somehow I think that’s not going to be enough later in life. I have heard MANY horror stories about single mothers raising their kids and every story turns out badly. I would be lying if I wasn’t scared shitless about that. I’m not quick to take in the first guy who gives their attention to me, either. Every guy that I’ve tried to date since their father hasn’t even met my children. I can’t do that to them. The inconsistency, the attachment, and then when it ends, the hurt. I refuse to do that. When I was pregnant with my daughter I made a promise to protect her as much as I could from as much as I could until she could protect herself. This same promise applies to my son. I only hope I’m doing the right thing, and I pray that they will realize all of the sacrifices I’ve made for them.
As far as I’m concerned, my life is hectic. Every day it’s something different, and I would LOVE to say that it was all rainbows and sunshine. It’s not. I have a LOT of self-esteem issues that I’m working to get over. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. With everything I’ve been through I’m surprised I’m still standing. The will to survive is definitely in my blood. I pull my strength from every single person in my life, and I put everyone else’s needs before my own. I have to, or else I would go insane.
At the end of the day, after all of the craziness that is my household dies down, and my babies are tucked safe in their beds, I’m alone. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY night. I’ve tried different things to fill the void, but honestly, nothing can replace being loved. I mean loved by someone who isn’t obligated to. My children, my family, and my friends (in a sense) are obligated to love me, or they love me by default. I want someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there no matter what, and actually WANTS to take care of me. I haven’t been taken care of like that. Ever. Yes, I may be “young” but I’m actually preparing myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I have an aunt who is 80+ (I can’t remember her exact age. So sue me) who has lived her ENTIRE life alone. I’m sure she has had her down times, but she’s happy now. I don’t think she ever even thinks about it anymore. She’s made her life her own, and doesn’t think twice about it. It makes me wonder if I’ll be that strong.
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