Love and Infatuation

How many men are in the world? Millions. This thought both scares and amazes me. I’m a 24 year old female with a lot to offer. Yes, I have some baggage (they’re the cutest baggage I’ve ever seen…) but why is it so hard to find a man who’s willing to accept that? Do I set the bar too high? Maybe. Am I looking too hard? Maybe. Am I living in the wrong place? That’s a definite possibility. What if the person that I’m “destined” to be with is miles away from here? How will I possibly meet him in this crappy town? Yes, these thought’s cross my mind every day.


I need to insert something that my Aunt Cindy sent me. Then I’m going to attempt to break it down through writing, rather than trying to decipher what it really means in my head. Writing about everything makes it more transparent for me.


LOVE OR INFATUATION

Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.


Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and places about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.


Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."


Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.


Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.


Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is elevating. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It lifts you up. It makes you a better person

--Ann Landers


Looking at this definition of love makes me realize that I have NEVER had this. I may have assumed that I was “in love”, but honestly - never happened. Looking back, every single relationship (and there really haven’t been that many) was infatuation. Pure, honest infatuation. I’m not ashamed, nor do I regret these said relationships. I can just say that I can’t WAIT to find love. (That sounds INCREDIBLY childish, but I mean it in the most grown up way possible).


Now, my question is this. Is it possible to have messed up any chance of love by making so many mistakes in life? Mistakes meaning bad choices, uninformed and uneducated decisions, spur of the moment and life altering changes. Everyone says “If it’s meant to be, it will happen.”, and I’m guilty of using that saying as well, I’m just not entirely convinced that it’s possible that way. What if somehow there was a way to sabotage your “one chance”. Or better yet, what if you kept your feelings for people inside, never revealing them? I’m guilty of that as well. I have been hurt too many times to count by admitting my feelings to even consider doing it again unless there was SOLID proof that I wouldn’t get hurt.


Some say that’s no way to live my life. But I feel rejection with my entire body. I go through the normal emotional phase, then I get to the mental aspect of it. Years of insecurities come barreling back into my mind, and it’s even harder to get rid of them. I’m working on loving ME, and for the most part it’s working, but every time I come across rejection, that bitch likes to bring me down to my darkest place. And after the emotional, comes the physical. I physically hurt when I have to deal with emotional pain. Maybe that’s my years worth of depression I’ve been battling, but it’s just how it is. I can’t bear to willingly put myself out there like that anymore.


I also realize that I can’t keep reading into things. I do that. A lot. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. From the way people talk to the way they look at me. It’s what I do. Unfortunately, this means I see things that aren’t necessarily there. Meaning I’ll take a simple conversation - better yet, a simple statement - and turn it into something that it wasn’t meant to be. I can do that with body language, facial expressions, and even hand gestures. This is a VERY bad thing when it comes to deciphering what men really mean. Someone can talk to me for 10 minutes, smile a little, and say some nice things, and I automatically jump to conclusions. Then my mind wanders into the forbidden territory of “What if he’s the one?” And at that EXACT moment, I lose myself in infatuation. Seriously, do they have shrinks for this kind of disorder? If so can someone please point me to one? ;)

Ass Backwards

Another deep day for me. So, in return, I will write more and tell you about me. The inner workings, and this could get ugly. You have been forewarned.

Wanting something you can’t have is a given thing in life. It’s probably along the lines of Murphy’s Law. I happen to experience this very thing pretty much every day of my life. I have almost come to grips with the fact that this will happen. Almost. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, but it does dull the pain.

Now, what I mean by wanting something I can’t have can mean several things. We could hit on the unrequited love thing again, because that‘s a given in my life, but I’d rather not. I mean money, a stable job, freedom. I have a very blessed life. An amazing family (that I might bitch and complain about, but I promise, I love them with every fiber of my being), a good group of friends surrounding me that would do anything for myself or my children. And then there are my kids. I love them with all of my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I realize that some people say that love is all you need in life. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t buy food to feed your children. A job does. Money does. I’ve been unemployed for a little over 3 weeks now. It’s definitely NOT been easy. The economy sucks, and there is very little promise of it getting back to normal. Therefore, I’m stuck unemployed until I hit the fucking lottery or I find a job. Both are equally as likely in my eyes.

This is where it could get ugly. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why I do what I do to push people away from me. Case in point:

I was talking to someone a while back, and things started to go towards the serious route. Like actually fucking committing to a relationship. It was at THAT exact moment that I began to pick him apart. Everything that I “didn’t like” about him started to be revealed to me. Not necessarily important stuff either. It was anything from the way he ate dinner, to the way he talked and the way he laughed. Stupid fucking nit-picking that I did until I was so repulsed by this amazing man that I couldn’t stand to talk to him anymore. And I left it at that, and moved on. To a fucking jackass that couldn’t care less about me. I didn‘t pick him apart. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Seriously, I get an amazing guy interested in me, and treats me like gold, and I run. I get a complete fucking dickhead interested in having sex with me, and fall head over heels. I am seriously ass-backwards.

I manage to push every guy that’s interested in me away, while holding on to the ones that aren’t interested. I could go all psychologist on myself and say it’s because I’m afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I know I’m not. I’m MORE than ready for a relationship. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t look nearly as hard as I used to. Trust me when I say that. I just let things happen, but when they do start going in a good direction, I bolt. I know when a guy isn’t interested in me when I actually start to develop feelings. If that’s not ass-backwards, I don’t know what is.

I know I’m probably not the only one that does this, but I feel like I’m going to alienate myself from every good thing that comes into my life because of this. I know I’m capable of SO much more than I’m letting myself experience. I will make a damn good wife to some lucky man, but I’m afraid that I’m going to miss out on that chance because of what I’ve been inclined to do. Is this something that I would need to see a therapist for? I’ve tried that route. It didn’t work. I know this is all about my insecurities, and I’ve been working on that as well. I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think about dragging someone else into the mess that I’ve created for my life.

I’m ending this shit before I cry even harder.

I do, however need to thank @tx_lili for EVERYTHING she’s been doing for me. You have NO clue how much I love you for working so hard on my blog design. <3