Ass Backwards

Another deep day for me. So, in return, I will write more and tell you about me. The inner workings, and this could get ugly. You have been forewarned.

Wanting something you can’t have is a given thing in life. It’s probably along the lines of Murphy’s Law. I happen to experience this very thing pretty much every day of my life. I have almost come to grips with the fact that this will happen. Almost. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, but it does dull the pain.

Now, what I mean by wanting something I can’t have can mean several things. We could hit on the unrequited love thing again, because that‘s a given in my life, but I’d rather not. I mean money, a stable job, freedom. I have a very blessed life. An amazing family (that I might bitch and complain about, but I promise, I love them with every fiber of my being), a good group of friends surrounding me that would do anything for myself or my children. And then there are my kids. I love them with all of my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I realize that some people say that love is all you need in life. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t buy food to feed your children. A job does. Money does. I’ve been unemployed for a little over 3 weeks now. It’s definitely NOT been easy. The economy sucks, and there is very little promise of it getting back to normal. Therefore, I’m stuck unemployed until I hit the fucking lottery or I find a job. Both are equally as likely in my eyes.

This is where it could get ugly. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why I do what I do to push people away from me. Case in point:

I was talking to someone a while back, and things started to go towards the serious route. Like actually fucking committing to a relationship. It was at THAT exact moment that I began to pick him apart. Everything that I “didn’t like” about him started to be revealed to me. Not necessarily important stuff either. It was anything from the way he ate dinner, to the way he talked and the way he laughed. Stupid fucking nit-picking that I did until I was so repulsed by this amazing man that I couldn’t stand to talk to him anymore. And I left it at that, and moved on. To a fucking jackass that couldn’t care less about me. I didn‘t pick him apart. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Seriously, I get an amazing guy interested in me, and treats me like gold, and I run. I get a complete fucking dickhead interested in having sex with me, and fall head over heels. I am seriously ass-backwards.

I manage to push every guy that’s interested in me away, while holding on to the ones that aren’t interested. I could go all psychologist on myself and say it’s because I’m afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I know I’m not. I’m MORE than ready for a relationship. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t look nearly as hard as I used to. Trust me when I say that. I just let things happen, but when they do start going in a good direction, I bolt. I know when a guy isn’t interested in me when I actually start to develop feelings. If that’s not ass-backwards, I don’t know what is.

I know I’m probably not the only one that does this, but I feel like I’m going to alienate myself from every good thing that comes into my life because of this. I know I’m capable of SO much more than I’m letting myself experience. I will make a damn good wife to some lucky man, but I’m afraid that I’m going to miss out on that chance because of what I’ve been inclined to do. Is this something that I would need to see a therapist for? I’ve tried that route. It didn’t work. I know this is all about my insecurities, and I’ve been working on that as well. I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think about dragging someone else into the mess that I’ve created for my life.

I’m ending this shit before I cry even harder.

I do, however need to thank @tx_lili for EVERYTHING she’s been doing for me. You have NO clue how much I love you for working so hard on my blog design. <3