The Single Life

So, I did something the other night that got me thinking. Something that I don’t think any couple (married or not) would ever think about doing. I found myself laying on an uneven mattress, so I decided to physically turn it around so it wouldn’t wear unevenly. I, being a creature of habit, didn’t want to actually switch sides just to fix the problem. Doing that led me to think about everything else that a couple might take advantage of.

One thing would be sitting in the passenger seat of your own car. I can honestly say that I don’t remember the last time I did that. There may be a stray time here or there when I got myself so drunk that I couldn’t drive, and one of my lovely friends had to drive me home, but of course, I wouldn’t remember that, would I? My poor passenger seat doesn’t ever get any action. Something else that goes along with that would be driving. I do it ALL the time. My darling babies are WAY to young to start teaching those kinds of things to. (Of course the thought (has)would NEVER cross my mind)

Okay, so with that out of the way, we get to the heart of the matter. WHY am I single? In my eyes, there is a simple answer. My children. Don’t get all bent out of shape when I say that, because my children are literally the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, so allow me to explain…

Before my children’s (sperm donor) father came along, I honestly only had a handful of relationships. All of which ended badly. Badly meaning abusive in every way possible. I was everything from a play toy to someone’s punching bag. I’m not going to get into the details, so you guys can breathe. And after him, other than my most recent summer tryst (who I now lovingly refer to the Marine Asstard), I have tried dating a whopping total of 2 guys. One left me because of my past. The other got what he wanted after 3 months and left because he decided THEN would be a good time to tell me he hated the fact that I had kids. There have been a handful that I have developed feelings for, but it’s always unrequited. I’m now the master of unrequited feelings. I dare anyone to challenge that fact. Ha. Point is, every SINGLE one of them had issues with me having kids. I can distinctly remember conversations with each of them stating something along those lines.

Now, I may be completely delusional with this statement, but do my kids not deserve that male figure in their life? I don’t want someone to be their “father”. That’s not what I’m looking for. I’ve done a pretty damn good job raising them by myself so far. The males in their lives are amazing role models for them, but somehow I think that’s not going to be enough later in life. I have heard MANY horror stories about single mothers raising their kids and every story turns out badly. I would be lying if I wasn’t scared shitless about that. I’m not quick to take in the first guy who gives their attention to me, either. Every guy that I’ve tried to date since their father hasn’t even met my children. I can’t do that to them. The inconsistency, the attachment, and then when it ends, the hurt. I refuse to do that. When I was pregnant with my daughter I made a promise to protect her as much as I could from as much as I could until she could protect herself. This same promise applies to my son. I only hope I’m doing the right thing, and I pray that they will realize all of the sacrifices I’ve made for them.

As far as I’m concerned, my life is hectic. Every day it’s something different, and I would LOVE to say that it was all rainbows and sunshine. It’s not. I have a LOT of self-esteem issues that I’m working to get over. I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. With everything I’ve been through I’m surprised I’m still standing. The will to survive is definitely in my blood. I pull my strength from every single person in my life, and I put everyone else’s needs before my own. I have to, or else I would go insane.

At the end of the day, after all of the craziness that is my household dies down, and my babies are tucked safe in their beds, I’m alone. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY night. I’ve tried different things to fill the void, but honestly, nothing can replace being loved. I mean loved by someone who isn’t obligated to. My children, my family, and my friends (in a sense) are obligated to love me, or they love me by default. I want someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who will be there no matter what, and actually WANTS to take care of me. I haven’t been taken care of like that. Ever. Yes, I may be “young” but I’m actually preparing myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I have an aunt who is 80+ (I can’t remember her exact age. So sue me) who has lived her ENTIRE life alone. I’m sure she has had her down times, but she’s happy now. I don’t think she ever even thinks about it anymore. She’s made her life her own, and doesn’t think twice about it. It makes me wonder if I’ll be that strong.