Morals, Values, and Life Lessons

I was laying in bed trying to sleep (thanks a lot, insomnia) and started thinking about my children, and what I’m teaching them with my words versus what I’m teaching them with my actions. There are certain morals, values, and life lessons that I am striving to teach my kids, and will continue to teach them until the day I take my last breath. If I’m lucky, my reach will go far beyond the time that I’m blessed to be on this earth. Hey, I can hope, right? Anyways, back to the point. I have a few things that I would like to THINK that I live by, however, lately especially, it’s definitely not the case.

-With my daughter, who is only 3 right now, (it’s never to early for her to learn this lesson) I want her to KNOW without a doubt that she does NOT need a man to complete her. She doesn’t have to have someone take care of her. She is beautiful, smart, and SO intelligent. She’s got more common sense than a three year old should have. Not to mention her book sense. This is of the UTMOST importance to teach her.

This being said, I am a hypocrite. I don’t think highly enough of myself to be OKAY being alone. Yes, I’m doing it, as I’ve done it for almost 5 years now, but that doesn’t make me happy with it. I’ve never had the chance to fully appreciate being alone, and all the amazing things that I can learn from this time before I actually find the one that I’m supposed to be with. I haven’t had the chance to enjoy my kids to myself before I have to share them with the amazing man that I’m going to be with forever (hypothetically). I won’t GIVE myself the chance to enjoy this, because I’m so damn focused on finding someone. It makes no sense.

-With my son, (who is 18 months) I want him to realize that women are to be TREASURED. And never, under any circumstances, are they to be torn down physically, mentally, or sexually. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it if he grew up to be one of those men who belittled women for the hell of it.

That being said, I’m a hypocrite. Every single relationship I have been in has been abusive in one way or another. I tolerated it. Without question, and without fighting back for my dignity. It started with my VERY FIRST boyfriend. I was 16, and he abused me in every way possible. I can’t bring myself to regret it. Any of it, actually. It made me who I am, but who KNOWS what could have become of me if that never would have happened. I may have finished college without falling into the wrong crowd. I may have graduated and gotten a degree and have a secure job. I know damn well that I wouldn’t have fallen into the pattern of abusive relationships that have plagued me for years. I wouldn’t have my kids, if this wouldn’t have happened either. That is the ONE and only reason that I can’t regret it.

-With both of my kids, I want them to know that life is WAY to short to not say what you mean, do what you feel, and love with all of your heart. I want them to grasp EVERY opportunity that they have thrown at them. Not be afraid to speak what they feel, no matter what the outcome may be. I want them to be ANYTHING that they want to be. I don’t want them to cower away from love in fear of being hurt.

That being said, I’m a hypocrite. I never say what I mean. I edit everything that comes out of my mouth in fear of hurting someone’s feelings or stepping on toes. I bite my tongue, and I’m stuck with the accompanying regret. I despise regretting not saying things when I had the opportunity to, but I never speak up. All of my dreams are officially squashed, right now. Everything that I have ever wanted to be in life has gone out the window, and they have been replaced with one excuse or another. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever follow my dreams. I hate feeling helpless, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. As for loving with all of my heart - that doesn’t fly with me. I’ve been so scarred by everything else, that now, I NEVER admit my true feelings. For anyone. I can honestly state that I have had a “crush” (God, that sounds so juvenile, but that’s exactly what it is…) for over 5 years now. He has no clue. My best friend has been trying to get me to tell him for a few days, and I’ve considered the pros and cons, and decided against it. I can’t put myself out there again. Putting myself out there means I’ll end up getting hurt. Or ruining a (really, really amazing) friendship.

I need to figure out how to make my actions match my words when it comes to doing the things that I’m teaching my children.

Ass Backwards

Another deep day for me. So, in return, I will write more and tell you about me. The inner workings, and this could get ugly. You have been forewarned.

Wanting something you can’t have is a given thing in life. It’s probably along the lines of Murphy’s Law. I happen to experience this very thing pretty much every day of my life. I have almost come to grips with the fact that this will happen. Almost. It doesn’t stop it from hurting, but it does dull the pain.

Now, what I mean by wanting something I can’t have can mean several things. We could hit on the unrequited love thing again, because that‘s a given in my life, but I’d rather not. I mean money, a stable job, freedom. I have a very blessed life. An amazing family (that I might bitch and complain about, but I promise, I love them with every fiber of my being), a good group of friends surrounding me that would do anything for myself or my children. And then there are my kids. I love them with all of my heart, and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
I realize that some people say that love is all you need in life. Love doesn’t pay the bills. Love doesn’t buy food to feed your children. A job does. Money does. I’ve been unemployed for a little over 3 weeks now. It’s definitely NOT been easy. The economy sucks, and there is very little promise of it getting back to normal. Therefore, I’m stuck unemployed until I hit the fucking lottery or I find a job. Both are equally as likely in my eyes.

This is where it could get ugly. Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why I do what I do to push people away from me. Case in point:

I was talking to someone a while back, and things started to go towards the serious route. Like actually fucking committing to a relationship. It was at THAT exact moment that I began to pick him apart. Everything that I “didn’t like” about him started to be revealed to me. Not necessarily important stuff either. It was anything from the way he ate dinner, to the way he talked and the way he laughed. Stupid fucking nit-picking that I did until I was so repulsed by this amazing man that I couldn’t stand to talk to him anymore. And I left it at that, and moved on. To a fucking jackass that couldn’t care less about me. I didn‘t pick him apart. He was absolutely perfect in my eyes. WHAT IS THAT?!?! Seriously, I get an amazing guy interested in me, and treats me like gold, and I run. I get a complete fucking dickhead interested in having sex with me, and fall head over heels. I am seriously ass-backwards.

I manage to push every guy that’s interested in me away, while holding on to the ones that aren’t interested. I could go all psychologist on myself and say it’s because I’m afraid of commitment, but in all honesty, I know I’m not. I’m MORE than ready for a relationship. Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t look nearly as hard as I used to. Trust me when I say that. I just let things happen, but when they do start going in a good direction, I bolt. I know when a guy isn’t interested in me when I actually start to develop feelings. If that’s not ass-backwards, I don’t know what is.

I know I’m probably not the only one that does this, but I feel like I’m going to alienate myself from every good thing that comes into my life because of this. I know I’m capable of SO much more than I’m letting myself experience. I will make a damn good wife to some lucky man, but I’m afraid that I’m going to miss out on that chance because of what I’ve been inclined to do. Is this something that I would need to see a therapist for? I’ve tried that route. It didn’t work. I know this is all about my insecurities, and I’ve been working on that as well. I need to fix myself before I can even begin to think about dragging someone else into the mess that I’ve created for my life.

I’m ending this shit before I cry even harder.

I do, however need to thank @tx_lili for EVERYTHING she’s been doing for me. You have NO clue how much I love you for working so hard on my blog design. <3