Letting Go

I have a post it note in my bathroom that has three things written on it to remind me of how I need to feel every day. It helps to have that positive reinforcement where I can read it every morning. That is part of my self-help plan that I have for myself. The next part is essentially the hardest. I have three men that broke me. I mean, they completely ruined my heart for future use. I have SO many things that I need to say to them, but seeing as I don’t talk to any of them anymore, I have decided to write them a little passage designated just for them. (complete with nicknames, for anonymity of course) I have to warn you, this is definitely going to get ugly. I have a feeling that I’m going to feel MUCH better after getting all of this out. We’re going to start at the beginning. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths, because I may be on the verge of a panic attack right now.

Assface,
This nickname is the most fitting for you. You were my first EVERYTHING. Given that fact, you set the bar for all of my future relationships. They say hindsight is 20/20, and in this case, it truly is. You broke my spirit in every sense of the phrase. Usually in the case of past relationships, you’re inclined to remember the good times, but with you I only remember the bad. Maybe that’s because bad was all we had. I remember being so desperate to please you that I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was before we started dating (if that’s what you could call it) and after you, I was even more lost in myself. You took advantage of my complete devotion to you by constantly reminding me that you could do better. Every day was a new day to tear me down. You were my prom date one year, and never ONCE did you tell me how pretty I looked, or how happy you were to be with me, but you DID remind me that my dress made me look fat and my makeup made me look like an idiot. That was typical of you, so just imagine something like that EVERY day, and you can see how broken I was by the time 2 years went by. I can’t believe how much I let you do to me, and now, I would probably have beaten the shit out of you if you tried ANY of it. I’m a stronger person because of you, so I guess I can thank you for that.

ChurchBoy,
I “loved” you for 9 years. Yes, I said NINE years. I spent most of my adolescence loving you. When I tried to distance myself from you, you would pull me right back. Always keeping me at arms length - a backup plan of sorts. Do you have ANY idea what that did to me? I settle for being second best now. I shouldn’t DO that shit. I went to college, and that must have been your fucking wakeup call, because you came around. You would spend weekends with me, and it was great. What I didn’t know is that you had a fucking girlfriend back home. Yeah, you were honest with me AFTER we got physical and I admitted I loved you. Typical, eh? I always wondered why you wouldn’t kiss me. Ha, I was SO naïve. THEN I got pregnant. THEN I had a miscarriage. Where were you? OH, with your girlfriend. I lost our CHILD and you didn’t even have the fucking decency to care. So, with that experience under my belt, I learned that I was strong enough to go through the toughest event of my life ALONE, so I could do anything alone. Hell, that’s what I’ve been doing my entire life, right? I can thank you for that, at least. Even though you definitely don’t deserve that.

Mr. Perfection,
Yeah, you heard me. You’re fucking perfect. Everything about you is perfect. Your smile, your personality, your goals, your laugh, your voice, EVERYTHING. You treated me like I DESERVE to be treated when I was with you. I can thank you for showing me what it should be like when it does happen. What I can be pissed off about is you making me fall with your perfection. Ha. I should have known better. You were definitely one of those “too good to be true” things in life. A fling. That’s all I was to you. You went into it knowing damn well you didn’t want a relationship, but you NEVER made that clear to me. After you got what you wanted, THAT was when you decided to let me in on your true intentions. Well, FUCK YOU. Yeah, I said it. I’ve never felt so used in my life. That is definitely saying something about you, because I’ve been used and abused my entire life.

Wow. I completely separated myself from reality just to write those. That was one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done, but I feel better. A lot better, actually. I know that chances are they will NOT be reading this, but that’s not the point. I’ve been needing to say these final things to them for years now. I need to move on with my life.

I wanted to tell anyone who’s reading this, thank you. Thank you for being there for me and seeing me through this self-help kick I have going on right now. To all of my friends (whether I have met you in person or not) You all are incredible. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you guys talking me off of the ledge on a daily basis. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. Your inspiration, encouragement, and even the mindless chatter you give me every day helps me in ways that you won’t ever understand. Just know that I appreciate everything, even if I fail to tell you as much as you deserve to be told.