Morals, Values, and Life Lessons

I was laying in bed trying to sleep (thanks a lot, insomnia) and started thinking about my children, and what I’m teaching them with my words versus what I’m teaching them with my actions. There are certain morals, values, and life lessons that I am striving to teach my kids, and will continue to teach them until the day I take my last breath. If I’m lucky, my reach will go far beyond the time that I’m blessed to be on this earth. Hey, I can hope, right? Anyways, back to the point. I have a few things that I would like to THINK that I live by, however, lately especially, it’s definitely not the case.

-With my daughter, who is only 3 right now, (it’s never to early for her to learn this lesson) I want her to KNOW without a doubt that she does NOT need a man to complete her. She doesn’t have to have someone take care of her. She is beautiful, smart, and SO intelligent. She’s got more common sense than a three year old should have. Not to mention her book sense. This is of the UTMOST importance to teach her.

This being said, I am a hypocrite. I don’t think highly enough of myself to be OKAY being alone. Yes, I’m doing it, as I’ve done it for almost 5 years now, but that doesn’t make me happy with it. I’ve never had the chance to fully appreciate being alone, and all the amazing things that I can learn from this time before I actually find the one that I’m supposed to be with. I haven’t had the chance to enjoy my kids to myself before I have to share them with the amazing man that I’m going to be with forever (hypothetically). I won’t GIVE myself the chance to enjoy this, because I’m so damn focused on finding someone. It makes no sense.

-With my son, (who is 18 months) I want him to realize that women are to be TREASURED. And never, under any circumstances, are they to be torn down physically, mentally, or sexually. I honestly don’t know how I would handle it if he grew up to be one of those men who belittled women for the hell of it.

That being said, I’m a hypocrite. Every single relationship I have been in has been abusive in one way or another. I tolerated it. Without question, and without fighting back for my dignity. It started with my VERY FIRST boyfriend. I was 16, and he abused me in every way possible. I can’t bring myself to regret it. Any of it, actually. It made me who I am, but who KNOWS what could have become of me if that never would have happened. I may have finished college without falling into the wrong crowd. I may have graduated and gotten a degree and have a secure job. I know damn well that I wouldn’t have fallen into the pattern of abusive relationships that have plagued me for years. I wouldn’t have my kids, if this wouldn’t have happened either. That is the ONE and only reason that I can’t regret it.

-With both of my kids, I want them to know that life is WAY to short to not say what you mean, do what you feel, and love with all of your heart. I want them to grasp EVERY opportunity that they have thrown at them. Not be afraid to speak what they feel, no matter what the outcome may be. I want them to be ANYTHING that they want to be. I don’t want them to cower away from love in fear of being hurt.

That being said, I’m a hypocrite. I never say what I mean. I edit everything that comes out of my mouth in fear of hurting someone’s feelings or stepping on toes. I bite my tongue, and I’m stuck with the accompanying regret. I despise regretting not saying things when I had the opportunity to, but I never speak up. All of my dreams are officially squashed, right now. Everything that I have ever wanted to be in life has gone out the window, and they have been replaced with one excuse or another. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever follow my dreams. I hate feeling helpless, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. As for loving with all of my heart - that doesn’t fly with me. I’ve been so scarred by everything else, that now, I NEVER admit my true feelings. For anyone. I can honestly state that I have had a “crush” (God, that sounds so juvenile, but that’s exactly what it is…) for over 5 years now. He has no clue. My best friend has been trying to get me to tell him for a few days, and I’ve considered the pros and cons, and decided against it. I can’t put myself out there again. Putting myself out there means I’ll end up getting hurt. Or ruining a (really, really amazing) friendship.

I need to figure out how to make my actions match my words when it comes to doing the things that I’m teaching my children.